Unhealthy Coping

When Our Coping Strategies Hurt Us More Than Help Us

Unhealthy coping strategies put us in a cycle of shame and secrecy

As you reflect on your own unhealthy coping strategies, you may be able to relate to feeling trapped in a cycle of shame and secrecy. You may have started down this path because you wanted to feel numb to the pain or some sort of dissatisfaction you were experiencing in life. Or maybe it started as a way of self-medicating and ignoring uncomfortable feelings. At some point, though, the behavior went from being something that was helping you cope with your difficulties to something that was hurting you even more. The problem is that once we engage in destructive coping strategies on a regular basis, they can become harder than ever before to quit—especially when we're constantly lying about them and carrying around the weight of our guilt and shame (not to mention the physical effects). It's easy for us to feel alone in this struggle at times. But it's important for all of us who experience these cycles of addiction, secrecy, and shame to remember that there are people who understand what we're going through—and we don't have to stay stuck in these patterns forever.

The more we use them, the less control we have over them

When these coping strategies become compulsions and we feel like we can’t live without them, this is a problem. When we are in denial about the fact that our coping strategy is not helping us and is even harming us, it’s likely also a compulsion. Even if we know that these things are hurting us and keeping us from achieving our goals, yet still continue to engage in them—this is a sign of an unhealthy coping strategy.

Unfortunately, many of our coping strategies leave us feeling terrible after their effects have worn off. These negative feelings make the underlying issue seem worse than before which may lead us to continue using the same coping mechanism over and over again. We end up in a cycle that never actually makes anything better—it just keeps going round and round until one day we find ourselves seeking professional help because nothing seems to work anymore.

Our families, friends, and coworkers don't really know us.

You may feel like people don't really know you. You might think that if your family, friends and coworkers knew who you really were that they wouldn't accept you. Or worse yet, they might reject you or abandon you. That's why the real you is so well protected by your coping mechanisms and self-defeating behaviors.

The real problem here is that we've constructed a façade between the person we present to the world and who we really are. This construct is created out of fear of abandonment or rejection by others because we believe our authentic selves are repulsive to them. We therefore decide not to let anyone in on our secrets and feelings, lest these truths be exposed and have us rejected by those dearest to us. Our core belief is: “If I'm my true self, people won't like me because I'm not perfect (and no one wants to hang around someone who isn't perfect).”

We may not even know ourselves anymore.

What do we fear most? That our loved ones, and even those who don't know us well, will discover our darkest inner workings and reject us as a result. What are these hidden aspects of ourselves that we so desperately want to keep secret? Often, it's the parts of ourselves that we hide from others because they've been met with rejection in the past. We feel shame about these aspects so intensely that we believe others would also find them unacceptable. We simply can't bear the idea of being unwanted--not by others but by ourselves. So instead, we cut off from the part of us that feels this way and pretend it doesn't exist.

Herein lies a problem: when you push down or ignore a part of yourself for too long, you may start to forget what it is you're hiding in the first place--and then you're left with an empty void inside yourself where something very important used to be. Without any intention to do so, you've turned your back on a core aspect of who you are as a person. What was once one whole self suddenly becomes two separate selves: there's "you" (the one who hides), and then there's...well...it's not clear what exactly is left over anymore. Living that way can be exhausting, lonely, and hard.

We recognize that these things are harmful but we feel addicted to them.

You know you need help, but you feel powerless to change. It’s like an addiction. You want to change, you genuinely do, but it feels too much like a part of you to give it up. And so you go about your life half-heartedly trying to break free from it, but with no real plan or idea how to change the patterns that are keeping you stuck. Sometimes there are things we do that act as coping mechanisms in the moment to help us feel better or help us manage stress. However, over time those same behaviors become a negative and unhealthy pattern that only serves to make matters worse and hurt us more in the long run. Maybe these behaviors started out as something seemingly harmless or something that was actually healthy at one time but has since turned into a damaging habit. Either way, they have become things we do repeatedly without realizing their harmful effects on our mental health or physical well-being. We recognize they aren't good for us and we try to stop doing them yet we still can't seem to quit these habits even when we want nothing more than freedom from them.

We are ashamed of who we've become and who we've disappointed.

The coping strategies that we use may vary from person to person, but at the end of the day, there's one constant across all of them: We are ashamed of who we've become and who we've disappointed. And it goes beyond just being ashamed for disappointing others; we're also ashamed because our actions make us feel as if we aren't worthy of being loved or cared about ourselves.

It's not the mistakes you make, but the mistakes you make when you try to cover them up that cause real harm. So don't allow your fear and shame over your past choices control your future decisions.

When others find out about our struggles, it shakes their trust in us.

When you're struggling, especially with something that's scary, shameful, or embarrassing to talk about (like a mental health issue), it makes sense that you'd try and hide it. You don't want anyone else to know because you think they won't understand or they'll judge you.

When we hide our struggles from our friends and family, we push them away from us. They can't help us when they don't know what we're going through. And when the people we love can't help us, it makes things even worse for us. It's a vicious cycle. The more isolated you are, the worse your coping strategies will be and the more alone you'll feel.

So what happens if others do find out about your struggles? They may not react as negatively as you think. But even if they do react negatively at first, this doesn't mean that they'll never accept it or love you again. If people are struggling with accepting your mental health issues (or other struggles), talk to them about it in a calm manner so everyone understands each other's perspective better. Give them time to adjust to the idea so they can figure out how to help instead of hurting the situation further by judging or shaming you. You may even involve them in your treatment. Family counseling can be a major part of healing for you and your family.

We're miserable inside but can't imagine how to end the problem.

This is a tough part of the process. If you've been consumed by your coping strategy for a long time, it may feel impossible to imagine living without it. Trusted friends and family can give you support here, and so can professionals such as therapists and counselors. If you're dealing with an addiction, there are also groups like AA, NA, Celebrate Recovery, SA, and more which are designed to help people overcome substance abuse or other problems together. Sometimes just getting a taste of living life differently through supportive connections like these can make all the difference in helping change feel possible.

Change isn't always easy, but it's not impossible either. Once we decide that we want to stop relying on our old ways of coping, things get easier because we have made the choice: no matter how hard the road ahead might be at first, we know that we will be better off in the end if we keep going (and sometimes even if we don't!).

If you want to change your life, you have to be able to see that there is a way out.

The first step to getting out of an unhealthy coping cycle is realizing that it can be done. If you want to change your life, you have to be able to see that there is a way out. You don't have to do it alone.

Your friends and family members can help, but they may not always be the best person for the job. They can support you and cheer you on, but they probably aren't going to help you tackle the root of what's holding you back (especially if it's something like trauma or abuse).

They also might not know how destructive your coping strategies actually are—if all they ever see from you is one part of your life, then that's all they can really understand about what's going on with you. A therapist or counselor will have more tools available for helping deal with those deeper issues at play and providing a lot more expertise in areas where friends and family members may not be so knowledgeable.

A support group can also help, especially if your struggles come from a shared experience such as childhood trauma or chronic illness. It might sound clichéd, but having people who understand exactly where you're coming from and how awful it feels can make a big difference when trying to change things up.

If you are ready to take the next step in finding hope and he